I had no idea how clueless I was about my husband’s “inner life” until I started reading intelligent books that went beyond the “pre-marriage-preparedness-topics”. A little bit after our wedding, Paul and I started struggling quite a bit with our daily communication and understanding: different cultural backgrounds, different age and obviously different primary languages were not really helping us communicate our feelings, thoughts and needs clearly to each other. Oh, and then there is the challenging fact that men are from Mars and women are from Venus. Can I get an Amen here?
Since our marriage is sacred to us, we knew we had to do something about this subtle but consistent problem that kept sneaking up on us from behind. We knew we had to fix it. Don’t get me wrong, we absolutely love and adore each other. We are committed to one another and to our marriage. We did not just write our wedding vows for the sake of romance or to make our Moms cry. We promised to love, honor and cherish each other in good times and in bad times. And we put our love and marriage into God’s hands.
But when we moved in together and daily life caught up with us, between household chores like doing the dishes, cleaning the bathroom, grocery shopping, juggling our two demanding jobs, keeping up with our social lives, and not to forget serving in God’s house, we quickly realized that a solid and happy marriage cannot only be build on affection and that romantic “in-love” feeling. Like my friend Jen once told me, being married means you have made the decision to love your husband every day. Love becomes an attitude - a way of thinking. Love is the attitude that says “I am married to you, and I choose to love you and look out for you and your desires.”.
Did you know that we speak different “love languages”? When I first heard about a book called “The Five Love Languages”, I thought, what could be so different about the way we express and receive love?
First, let me tell you the five love languages:
~ Quality Time
~ Words of Affirmation
~ Gifts
~ Acts of Services
~ Physical Touch
Can you see where this goes? The things that are important to you, might not have the same priority for your husband/wife. My primary love language is Acts of Service. So, when Paul tells me that I am beautiful and that he likes that new shirt on me, then I obviously appreciate his feedback but his words don’t necessarily translate into “I love you” for me.
On the other hand, whenever Paul walks the dog or does the dishes (without me nagging him to clean up), he says loud and clearly “I love you, Wiebke”.
By Acts of Services, I mean doing things you know your spouse would like you to do. You seek to please her/him by serving her/him, to express love for her/him by doing things for her/him.
Paul loves to head out of town for a short weekend trip or go out for nice dinner. When I agree to put running errands or other obligations on the back burner and just spend time with each other, he is the happiest man in the world. Paul speaks Quality Time.
Do you get the idea?
After reading that book, I had arrived at the end of the first part of that long journey to a fulfilled, loving and intimate marriage.
What next?
Initially, I just wanted a little insight and get some practical advice on marriage to kill this demon called “high expectations” that was frequently controlling my mind and heart.
But pretty soon I found myself enlightened and so encouraged by all this faith-based wisdom that I wanted to continue reading. I wanted to change to become the wife God created me to be, to this man I love so much.
A friend recommended the book “The Proper Care And Feeding Of Husbands” to me. Hm, interesting title, I thought. A few chapters into the book, I felt like I was the worst wife ever. I have to admit I complained and demanded a lot from Paul. I showed little respect to his needs and opinions. But this author wrote in such a rebuking and condescending way that I wasn’t really inspired by her words. She had some good points but I wouldn’t necessarily recommend this book to my girlfriends.
Actually, a (male) friend of mine read a bit in this book and almost got furious about the author’s opinion about men. Once, she literally compared husbands to puppies. Phil didn’t appreciate that. And I’m with him. It’s not so much what she has to say, it’s how she says it.
Recently, I had to travel a lot for work. I took the book with me as I wanted to finish it. Paul believes that if you’re reading a book and you only get one or two ideas out of it, it’s money and time well spent. I liked that.
But I came across this other book at the airport: “For Women Only - Understanding The Inner Lives Of Men”.
Within a few lines, I was hooked. THAT was the kind of writing I needed. The author wrote such a positive style that she captured me immediately. More importantly, she addressed all women - including herself. It was refreshing.
Every chapter had new revelations for me in store. I was astonished by her insights about what’s going on in a man’s mind. I believe, every woman struggles to understand why males behave the way they do. Even long-married women who think they understand men have only scratched the surface.
What Shaunti Feldhahn’s research reveals about the inner lives of men will open your eyes to what the men in your life—boyfriend, brother, husband —are really thinking and feeling.
This book is about the things we just don’t ‘get’ about guys. Grounded in biblical hope, I discovered how to love my man for who he really is — not who I think he is.
Does reading these books make me the perfect wife? Heck, no! It takes a lot of prayers, surrender to God and a major leap of faith on my side to push through all that junk that I still carry around with me. The enemy tries to attack me every day. And if it wasn’t for my amazing husband who seems to be able to stop the world when it is moving too fast, who invites grace and forgiveness into our lives and who always believes in me, I would probably not even be in this place of believing in an abundant love life.
I love you, Paul!
Sources:
The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn
